Exerpt from: LIFE On The Wrong Planet
Exerpt from: LIFE On The Wrong Planet
By H. G. Nowak (Barefoot Man)Annoying Sports Parents
Sporting games can bring out the best in children and the worst in their parents. I hate some of these parents. I want to take the nearest baseball bat and WHACK these idiots across the head – parents who attempt to control every movement their child makes on the ball field. I’m sure you’ve heard these loudmouth sperm donors before.
“Steal that base!”
“Hit it over the fence!”
“Pay attention!”
“Don’t hold the bat so low!”
“Slide, Slide!”
“Use a different bat!”
I can just imagine what poor little Johnny is thinking: “Shut the f #% k up dad, get a life.”
It’s grueling listening to these parents. Many years ago when my sons played softball there was always such a nuisance in the bleachers.
“Tuck your shirt tail in.”
“Let him walk you.”
One day I couldn’t take any more. I walked up to the guy and told him that I’d seen someone releasing air from his car tire. He rushed off the field and returned 15 minutes later.
“Hey, what’s going on? My car is perfectly fine,” he says.
“Don’t you have a blue mini-van?”
“No I have a blue SUV Lincoln.”
“Oops. Sorry, my mistake.”
He went back to his seat and the first thing out of his mouth was, “Keep your eye on the ball, it’s coming your way.” At this point his son was sitting in the dugout and the father never realized it. Oh well, the tire prank did earn me 15 minutes of enjoying the game.
I also hate stereotype sports moms; they are another thorn in my backside. Her son is the worst player on the team, he hates the game, yet he is forced by his parents to play. She shouts out at him:
“That was a good try.”
“Don’t worry about it; you’ll hit a home run next time”
“That’s OK, mama loves you.”
I can just imagine what poor, little embarrassed Timmy is thinking. “Shut the f#%k up mom, get a life.” Most parents mean well, unfortunately they just don’t grasp how irritating they are to someone on the wrong planet.
Then there are some parents who are outright insensitive. They humiliate their kids to tears. They are usually huge fans of some professional team. They wear their favorite team’s jersey, their cap is on backwards and, through their child, they are playing the game. They shout at the coach and swear at the umpire and, worst of all, degrade their kids and those on the opposing team.
“Kick his ass son.”
“Don’t worry boy, you can outrun that sissy.”
“They should all be on the girls team.”
Oh do I hate those infantile adults and feel bad for their kids. I just want to stand up and shout: “It’s a game you fool… a game! So shut the f #%k up.”
I want to, but never have; usually these masculine dads are bigger than me so I just walk out into the parking lot and flatten their tire.
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